You know what’s hard. Looking back at old pictures. Not because I miss those times, (Well some of them I do, the ones with maz I feel like I missed those critical moments in his life because I was so caught up in myself. Ugh it makes me sick to think about it.) but what’s hard is looking back at those photos of myself. Looking at pictures of people I used to know, people I used to think were my ride or dies, thinking they were the most important people in my life and realizing they are not ish. Realizing and understanding that nobody actually cares about you one bit tbh, everyone is selfish. Looking at the photos and not recognizing that person staring back at me. That is scary, it's actually terrifying, even eery. Not recognizing the person I used to be, realizing that I have changed so much. That person was just a little blip in my life, and I am back to being me, that makes me feel a little bit better. It makes me feel accomplished that I have grown so much. But, my memories are polluted with crap! Drunken nights that I half remember. But I will always remember the emotions the feelings, even if I can't remember what we did or who I was with. I wanted to feel numb, that’s why I chased it, the booze that's what I was chasing I guess lol. It made me think I felt happy but in reality I couldn’t feel anything at all. And feeling nothing at all was better than being in pain, so I think I tricked myself into believing alcohol=happiness. I wanted to suppress my pain and feelings because I didn’t know how to work through them. I didn’t know myself. I didn’t want to put the work in and get to know myself the real me, the one I lost. I was lazy. I was lazy and selfish and it’s actually disgusting thinking about it. I was so broken. I would never want to be friends, right now, with the person I used to be. I wouldn’t want to be around the old me. But it makes so much more sense now. Why all my relationships were superficial. Why any man I would date or be with just wanted my body, or the party girl, or the sass, like I was not relationship material. Like I've said before I was legitimately drunk through all of my relationships. It makes sense why nothing ever worked. Because I could never be real. I could never truly open up to anyone. I could never truly be myself. I was playing a part. Wearing a mask covering up all my emotions and feelings with alcohol.
I guess we should start a little bit before it all started, huh? Hmmm well, I was a good student in school. Very quiet,I was shy, a prude girl, as most people would say. But on the other hand, because of my Leo personality I loved being different and I loved being the center of attention, but not very many people got to really see my true personality. My family was my priority, my family was my everything. My sisters, my cousins, they knew me the real me. I’m loud, I’m bratty, I’m fun, I’m caring, I'm loving, I’m opinionated, I am all about me but I take care of people I love and care about and I hate to see people in pain. That’s who I am with people I love, with my family. So my aunt (she is a month younger than me, so when we were little we always just said we were cousins) was my best friend. Really and truly we did everything together, we knew everything about each other, we told each other everything. So being a month older than her and with my birthday on the cutoff for our grades I was a year ahead of her I’m school. So I graduated a year before her. After I graduated she had one more year to finish and she finished it overseas, and left me. I was devastated. I have known her my whole life. Can you imagine basically growing up with a twin, and them moving to another country while you're in those crucial years of trying to figure out what you're going to do with your life? I was sad, I was lost, I literally lost my best friend. The person who has always been there for me the person I grew up with. Mind you we never ever tried alcohol or smoked a cigarette or smoked weed we were goooooood kids. But after she left I think that’s when I started to actually get depressed, I was definitely anxious and like had bad separation anxiety when I was little, but I never really was depressed. That’s when I started to drink. I think the reason I was such a quiet person, is because I was so shy and anxious. But alcohol was magic to me, it made me break out of my shell. It made me feel comfortable. It made me seem like the outgoing person that I am with my family, around all these complete strangers. It was my mask it was my way of coping and trying to make friends and compensate for something I don’t feel comfortable with. It gave me a false sense of family a false sense of comfort. It gave me all of these fake things, but it took the real and important things from me; I lost my religion, I lost my family, and most importantly I lost myself. But thank Allah (SWT) I turned my life around.
You know what I’m not really sure what the turning point was to be completely honest. I think I just got to a point in my life that I knew there was something more for me. That this can’t be it, I can't just live like this for the rest of my life. I started in the automotive industry right out of high school as a receptionist at a Honda dealership. I started to go to community college for psychology after high school, because it is one of my big passions. I love learning about people and why they are the they are, why they behave the way they do, ect. But because I was working and making good money for a 17 year old right off the gates I was like well that’s pointless why should I go to school when I can just work. I’m making more money than all the kids my age so I think I’ll stick to this. Fast forward a couple years still a receptionist but now I am at a Nissan dealership, and now I'm pregnant. Fast forward another couple of years, my little family that I built and worked so hard for and abandoned my other family for has crumbled. Fast forward another couple of years I am now a finance manager at a Jeep dealership. Fast forward a couple more years and a couple of dealerships now I am a finance director and I have come so far in my career and worked so hard to provide for my child, why am I not happy? I got sucked into the black hole called the car business. Where everyone has their demons and nobody seems to work on them. They just cope with them by either trying to make more money, or by drinking, or working bell to bell (open to close) everyday, or by obsessing about their body’s. At the end of the day to be in the car business you have to be a little f'd in the head. We all knew it, we all fed the demons in one way or another, but none of us changed. So back to my moment. I remember standing in the hallway at work shooting the shiz with my buddies at work and telling them this can’t be it. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I can’t wake up in another 12 years, and realize I’m still in this pit and still not happy. I have to figure it out. I started to slowly make changes. I replaced my negative thoughts with positive ones. I started breathing through my frustration and anger. I started walking away from situations that didn’t benefit me. I started to think before I spoke. I started to let go of people's opinions about me and who I should be (because other people's opinions are none of my business). I started to replace the alcohol with water and tea. I started replacing the angry mornings with meditations. I started replacing the partying weekends with family time and sauna sessions. I started slowly making changes and the slow changes grew to big ones. I started researching. I started looking for guidance from my religion. I started to be happy. I decided to kill my ego. I decided to be me. I decided to be unapologetically Mariam (My favorite part of any movie or tv show is when they mention the title of the movie in the actual movie, so I had to just throw that in). I have completely changed everything I ever thought I was, everything I thought I would ever be, to the most amazing person I could have ever imagined. I have grown so much, I am so proud of myself. I have done so much. I have been through it. I’ve hit my lowest lows but when you hit that bottom the only way you can go is back up and I’m going to the top baby. I don’t know what the future holds for me only Allah (SWT) knows that. But what I do know is, I will do everything in my power to never ever be the person I used to be and to continue to grow and stand prouder every single day. Because at the end of the day the only person you can control is you. Believe me I had to figure that out the hard way. I’m a type A, single mom, with anxiety and all I ever want to do is control everyone and everything around me. But once you learn to let go of everyone and everything and reign your grip in on yourself you can help yourself grow for the better. You can only control yourself so put all of your energy into that instead of into controlling everyone else.
I never thought I actually had a problem. I would wake up and go to work. I didn’t drink when I had maz, of course I didn’t have a problem right? NO wrong, I am a binger, I have a big problem. I binge junkfood, I binge my positivity, I binge my negativity, and I binge drank (keyword drank as in the past). I wouldn’t drink all week because I would have maz and then after work when I didn’t have him I drank. I drank shooters or went to the bar and took shots and I would drink guys under the table because I wanted to get drunk. I liked the attention I liked being bigger and badder than them. I liked talking down to people I was not a nice person. I was mean and rude and thought I was better than everyone else. That was the Ego, I am so glad she is gone. I was in a dark place. And the last couple of times I drank I got ill, like baaaaad. I rarely ate too when I would drink because obviously I wanted to be skinny and obviously I would get drunk faster on an empty stomach. So I had been throwing up stomach acid and nothing because I had nothing in my body. But I think my mind had started to already evolve and move to this new Mariam. She was telling my body like no she can’t have that anymore okay so you need to get sick expel the poison woman lol. I’m happy, I’m soooooo happy I stopped. Mind you I have stopped before. I mean plenty of times. And I actually tried a couple of months before I actually completely stopped but I went back to the bottle. I think the difference this time was I stopped for the right reasons. I stopped because I wanted to, because it was my idea, because I hated the person I was. I was sick of the people I had surrounded myself with. I was so done having all these superficial relationships and friendships and sick of like trying to hide it from my family and pretend like I wasn’t a piece of ish. And then when I got sober I saw the type of person I was when I would see other drunk people. And I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to be around that. I never saw it from that point of view from a sober person's point of view even when I wasn’t drunk but I was around drunk people I didn’t see anything different you know what I mean like it was normal because I was in that corrupt mindset. But cutting it off being sober and seeing drunk people physically or on tv even I don’t want to be that, I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to be around that. In the past I’d be like yasssss I want to be there. I like to party, and I need to catch up and get on your level lol now I’m like nah I’ll just walk away I don’t even want to be around that. I always say I never ever regret anything. Everything I’ve done and said and do, it is what it is, the good the bad, I will never regret it. It made me who I am. It helped me grow, it helped me understand myself, and it helped shape the person I am today. I may have done some stupid things but I will never regret it and I thank Allah (SWT) I am still here and I pray that Allah (SWT) will continue to guide me to the straight path.
Thank you for listening,
Peace, Love, and Gratitude