Okay well not all of them, but most of them. I have seen and experienced all types of abuse. Physical, mental, emotional, and even sexual abuse, from men that I thought I loved. Boy was my idea of love a toxic one.
"It's my fault!" "I should have known better!" "It's not his fault, he was raised differently!" "He treats me well most of the time!" "He does it because he cares, he acts like that to protect me!" "It's just tough love!" "It will get better!" "He didn't mean it, he was just mad, he would never hurt me because he loves me!" "He just has a temper!" These are just a couple of lies that you tell yourself when you are in an abusive relationship, to comfort yourself. Why is it when you are a victim your basic ethical senses become warped and you're on his side? You do and say everything to defend your abuser. Your mind plays tricks on you, you become a different person; you feel so alone. So why do we stay? What must happen to make us leave? I mean I am sure I am responsible in one way or another. I put myself in this situation. In a situation searching for love that was never there, love that will never be there.What is it about abuse that makes us feel loved, that makes us come back every time? It is all lies, it's all bullshit! It's not love! It's not okay. What is love, it's self-love that you must take yourself out of the situation. You should never feel unsafe with a partner.
I have fucking seen it. Opening the bathroom door. Her trying to hide her tears trying to hide the blood dripping into the white sink.
I have fucking heard it. The yelling, the screaming, the doors slamming, the things being thrown and broken in the other room.
I have fucking felt it. Being shoved to the floor and dragged by my own hair (the thing you thought was so beautiful) out of my own front door.
I have fucking justified it! My back against the door to keep you out, gripping my son as tightly as I could. Sitting in fear that if he came through that door, he might turn against us and hurt us. It's just the alcohol, he just needs to sober up. I fucking felt alone! Sleeping in my car with my baby. In the middle of a mall parking lot, on a cold winter night with the car heat running, so we didn't freeze to death.
I have fucking absorbed it. Making my face up to go out with you, being told I have too much makeup on and being asked what I'm trying to prove. I have fucking felt it! The anxiety you get in the pit of your stomach because you're scared to make eye contact with the bartender because you might think I am making eyes at him.
I have fucking felt it! The tears, the uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. The shift in my mood as soon as I saw you and climbed in the truck. More anxiety, the tightness of my chest the pit in my stomach.
I have fucking consumed it! The drinks to make me feel happy, to feel loved, to relieve some of the tension and anxiety. I drank them, it made it feel like I had more control over my emotions.
I fucking took them! The pictures, with the fake smiles. The invites, to make us seem more normal, to make him look like a good guy.
I have fucking lived it! Listening to you talk shit about my best friends. Who I should and shouldn't hang out with? Where I should and shouldn't be. The constant check ins if I went out. Living in constant fear and anxiety, walking on eggshells. Thinking I did something wrong. I have fucking endured it! The panic attacks, the anxiety attacks. Feeling my hot face on the cold comforting wood floor. My body trembling from the tears. The breaking out in hives from crying so much. Trying to catch a breath between the uncontrollable tears. My body in so much emotional and mental distress it has turned physical. My body physically trying to expel the nothing in my stomach. Gripping the fucking toilet seat while I am heaving and gagging.
I fucking felt all of it! I fucking did that! Opening up to you, feeling unheard, not being able to feel my feelings. Absorbing all your negativity but not being able to express myself. Having a mental breakdown because of my depression. I have fucking been there. I have been the other woman. Believing that I was important. That it was okay because you told me it was okay. I fucking tried that. I tried telling you NO. That I was done that I wanted to leave. But it didn't work, you forced yourself on me. Through the fucking tears.
I fucking believed that! Every word that came out of your mouth. I believed every lie that you told me, even though I knew it was a fucking lie. I was what I believed, that manipulation you used against me. I shut my mouth, because I hate fighting, I hate confrontation, I believed it would only make the situation worse. I hid it. I have created this this perfect relationship in my head that is pure fiction. I have done that time after time. I have wanted love so badly that I tried to force it.
I fucking did that! I stood up for myself. I fucking left. Even though it took some time. I realized that wasn't love, I had to learn that. Living through it time after time to understand what love is not, I finally figured it out. You are not love. I am love. I deserve to be loved. We all deserved to be loved. We are all broken in our own way. But we must learn to piece ourselves back together, me must grow. We must work through the pain with our heads held high. Abuse has made it hard for me to trust. Abuse tends to have a cycle. If you don't break it, you will continue to live through it because you feel comfortable in some sick fucked up way. You have trained yourself to believe that is love. You have to rewire your brain, rewire your emotions. Do you want to know the most ironic part of it all is? Not one of those men ever asked me to be their girlfriends, but every single one of them acted like they owned me. They thought they owned my mind, my body, my feelings, my emotions, they thought they owned my soul. And they did. They controlled me, but I broke the cycle.
I fucking spoke that! I shared my story in hopes to make you feel less alone, to open up your eyes to the abuse that may be around you, to help shed some light on abuse.
A healthy relationship starts with respect. Respect for each other and most importantly respect for yourself. Respecting space, physical or emotional. Respecting each other's differences. Not trying to change someone. Respecting my mind, body, and soul. A healthy relationship is about sharing. Sharing your mind, body, and soul with someone that supports your growth. Sharing experiences new ones and old ones. Sharing your tears happy and sad tears. Sharing your hopes and dreams for the future. Sharing your problems and resolutions. Sharing the power, so that you can both pick each other up. A healthy relationship is about communication. Communicate your needs, what makes you feel loved, how to be loved. Communicate your desires. Communicate even when it's fucking hard. A healthy relationship starts with the relationship with yourself. A relationship with another person whether it's a work relationship, friendship, family relationship, or life partner will never work if you do not put the work in to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Build it alone, build it without distractions, build it without sex, build it without attention, build it without an Ego in the dark, build it from the ground up. Then and only then, will you be able to build one with someone else, because you have created a healthy foundation.
Please, please reach out to someone you trust if you feel like you are in a situation like this. Please reach out to the people, you think are in this situation. It's hard to talk about it, but you can save a life. Please realize you are not alone, even though it may feel that way. Please get help! What I am trying to say is you are beautiful! You are fucking strong! You can do this! If you need help, ask for it. Do not let someone control and abuse you. Do not push away the people that actually love and care about you. Listen to them, they can see things from a different perspective, one that isn't warped. Do something if you see it. In the end it always gets better when you leave. Sometimes it isn't love, sometimes love isn't enough. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, please ask for help. There are so many resources available to help. If you want to anonymously reach out to me, please do so. I will help you, I am here to listen, I am here to support, and I am here to help make a plan for change!