Grief

I am warning you now, this blog is full of emotions, extremely hard emotions. This blog is also a little bit different. I started it a couple of months ago right after Granny (my paternal Grandmother) passed away. She insisted on being called Granny, because she said it sounded younger than Grandma. But this blog will have two parts, right after she passed and then right after we buried her. I also lost a lot of inspiration for writing after she passed. Maybe it was because I didn’t have any closure, maybe it was because I couldn’t finish this blog. All I know is I didn’t want to write. I am back though; I know you were worried haha. Okay, I am done rambling here we go…

It comes in waves. One second, I am thinking about you smiling and laughing and the next second it’s just tears streaming down my face. The more I am distracted and making sure that everyone else is okay, the less I feel. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I want to be numb I don’t want to feel right now it’s too painful. The problem is when I am alone with my thoughts, by myself in my room the pain starts again. I feel it in my chest. Like I can physically feel it. I don’t want to talk to anybody, I don’t want to smile, I don’t want to laugh, I don’t want to eat. I want to be in bed. It’s effing hard, but you have to be strong for everyone around you. You’re the oldest, you’re a mother, you should be the rock. They need you the most right now.

When you are young you don’t really understand death, okay they are gone but it’s okay they are in heaven they are protected. You have a couple of memories and you know you loved that person and you know you miss them, but you can never really understand, I guess. I think it’s so much easier for children to let go, they understand life keeps going I guess, and if they don’t it sure as heck seems like they do. Maybe it is their short attention spans. Death is just such a tough thing to talk about. How are we supposed to tell our kids? That was hard telling Maz. I needed my sisters with me. We told him in the car. I just kind of blurted it out (I have a problem) I didn’t know how else to tell him. But I am grateful my sisters were there to help me comfort him and to help comfort me.

You know what’s harder than talking about death? Feeling it! To feel your emotions, to work through them, to feel the pain. I am happy and grateful I am able to work through them levelheaded, and even more grateful and happy that I have so much support and love from family. I can’t imagine how much of a mess I would be if I wasn’t sober through this time. If you aren’t clear headed can you ever actually heal, or are you always looking for the next high to help temporarily make the pain go away?

I feel okay sometimes, then I start to think about how everyone else feels. My Dad, my uncles, my cousins, my sisters, my mom, my grandma, grandchildren, great grandchildren, sisters, aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, friends, family, neighbors, churchgoers, extended family, there are sooooo many people. You never realize how much someone influences so many people, you never realize how many people can love one person. So many different people can love one person, it’s crazy. It makes me emotional. I just want to help take the pain from everyone, but I don’t know how. She touched so many people and I think the only thing we can do is keep her beautiful memories alive.

It’s starting again, the pain in my chest. I just have to remember to breathe, that seems to be the only thing that helps. I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday, sometimes we need those days. At least I’m not drinking is how I justify it. Everything is going to be okay, she isn’t in pain anymore, and she went peacefully. That’s the most important thing, right? Her comfort is more important than our happiness. We have to be strong. Everything happens for a reason. She brought the family back together, the brothers, the cousins, she brought us all a little bit closer. I am going to be so sad when I don’t see her in the new memories we make. Laila’s wedding, she’s supposed to be there, birthday parties, holidays, all of it she won’t be there. Ugh it hurts but we just must breathe. The timing of everything was insane though. God’s plan, I am so grateful. We got to see her right before she passed. We visited her a week before she passed on her birthday. But we couldn’t hug her, and we could only see her through the glass door. We waited so long for her and we were impatient and it kills me so much, had I known that was the last time we would see her standing up and semi okay I would have waited for years outside for her. She was in the hospital for just shy of a week, they just opened up that floor to have visitors again because of covid. We went twice, my sisters and I, and it was hard. Seeing someone you love with tubes everywhere and looking so helpless barely breathing it’s almost unbearable. I didn’t want to go the second day because the first day was hard enough, but my mom came with us the second day. I cried the whole time; I couldn’t stop crying. (Crying in an effing mask is a mess) I was a mess! There weren’t any tissues, only paper towels, but I am grateful so grateful that we were all there together and got to say goodbye together. I am broken, it hurts, and it’s not getting easier, but I am trying my best to work through it and feel it.

Grief to me comes in waves, I can physically feel the sadness. I feel nauseous, I get pain in my chest, and the tears ugh so many tears. I am a silent crier (crying and vomiting lol you will usually never know just a small tmi fact about me). The painting helps, the being around loved ones helps, being alone helps. Hugs help, and I hate hate hate hugs lol. But I think hugs can be healing, just other people’s energy can be healing. It’s comforting, but don’t start to come up and hug me now lol I will still be awkward af lol. My anxiety and OCD are in full-fledged panic mode lol. Organizing stupid little things by color or making the way its separated make sense in my head. Trying to control any little thing that I can because I feel so out of control, ugh I hate it. My attitude, ugh my attitude is ish right now! I have NO patience, I am angry, I am exhausted, I am annoyed. I am just plain mean, and I hate it. I don’t even have time to think before I react right now because I am so impatient and out of control of my emotions. I hate feeling like I have no control, just writing about being angry is making me angry. That’s how crazy I am being right now. Oh geez. Please excuse me while I go do some breathing exercises.

Have you ever buried someone? If you have I understand your pain and I am so so so sorry for you loss and your pain. If you have not consider yourself lucky. What an emotionally and physically draining couple of days. How can someone’s whole legacy their life, everything they had be packed up into boxes? How can we just bury our loved one, just put someone into the hole in the ground? If you were gone today what would your family and loved ones have to remember you by? What types of things do you think would be reminders of you to them? What is that one thing that they would want of yours? How do you smell to people? What memories have you imprinted into the people in your lives brains about yourself? What type of impact have you made on this world? If you don’t know, well figure it the F out! At the end of the day all we have is memories. So make sure to create them. It’s our obligation as parents, as children, as grandchildren, as family, as friends. We have to create memories. Most importantly make the good ones outweigh the bad ones. Nobody is perfect! Family our loved ones, that is more important than work. Take that day off, take that vacation, spend that extra money, play that game with your child. One day they won’t ask anymore, one day you will run out of time. This whole Covid thing has made the Grief drag out and I have had lots of time to think and process feelings and emotions. I mean I am sure everyone goes through it. The waves of emotions and pain. We have our good days and we have our bad days. But I have had some guilt. Guilt and lots of anger with myself. Why couldn’t I be more patient. Why are most of my adult memories with Granny surrounded by hospital visits and with anger and frustration and annoyance of having to drive you home because you wanted to leave the party early. Are you kidding me? Why was I such and egotistical inconsiderate B? It frustrates me that the last couple of years I had with her, I didn’t do anything and everything to create memories and change the way that I was. I am grateful though that I can realize what I was and what I am now and that I can change the way I am now with my elderly loved ones. We don’t have them forever so call and visit and take them flowers build those memories show them you love and care. Not being able to have the funeral right away and the burial right away has made me realize and grow a lot more than I ever thought I could. There is always some sort of good that comes out of a bad situation. We got to spend time and see so many people we normally wouldn’t; Granny’s sisters Aunt Jenny and Aunt Sharon, we got to see where Granny grew up. It was so difficult though. Walking into the funeral and the burial every time I walked in I thought I would be good. I thought to myself there’s no way I still have tears. I have cried them all out I think I am finally fixed, but guess what you’re never going to be “fixed” it’s always going to hurt and you’re always going to feel it but It will get better and please please please cry. It’s okay to cry. Right after we buried her the pain started again, and it was worse than it was before. It hurt so bad. I felt it in my chest again, my stomach, and I think I figured out what it is. It’s my heart! My heart is broken. My eyes hurt, and they are swollen from crying, but hey my eyeliner is still on. Thanks Kat Von D lol. My body hurts, I am dehydrated, I don’t want to eat but I force it because I have to. I don’t know, ugh. I honestly walked into the service yesterday in the church took a deep breath, and my first reaction is, where’s granny? Not like where is her Urn. Like where is she? I thought I was going to see her physically alive; I was looking for her. How insane is that? It was like a movie. And it happened again when we got into the car after we buried her, we were all in our cars and I thought to myself where is Granny, did Baba grab her? It finally hit me, she’s gone, we are leaving her here in the ground. I am never going to see her again. I never have to drive her home again and it breaks my effing heart. I want to drive you home, I am so sorry I didn’t appreciate you the way I should have, but know I am so grateful for you and what you have taught me and the woman I am because of you. I love you so much Granny thank you for being my sunshine. Wake the F up and appreciate the people you have in your life, the people that helped raise you, your family, your loved ones be grateful please! Because one day the only thing you will have is a box of stuff that remind you of them and your memories…

“Verily we belong to Allah, and verily, to Him we shall return.” (2:156)

Thank you for listening,

<3 Mariam

Peace, Love, and Gratitude