Covid-19 you little Bish

Updated: Jul 27

For fucks sake. I literally finished this blog and my dumb ass deleted the whole thing. Okay so let us try this again…

There has been a couple of things that the Covid-19 pandemic has put into perspective for me. First and foremost, I need to save money. I have always firmly believed in spending every penny I have. We don’t know if tomorrow is promised. I don’t know if it’s a control thing or selfish thing I just know that I need to work on it. I live in the moment! I still believe and live by that, but it’s not an excuse. I need to be more responsible with my money. If I see something I want, or think of someone when I see it I buy it no questions asked. I know its bad, BUT I have gotten better okay. I want to buy a house, something cute and small nothing fancy. I just want to build a home for my child to grow in.

Alright Second thing Covid-19 had brought back to my attention is family is and will always be the number one thing in my life. I lost touch of that but now that I am sober and clear headed, I can clearly see that they are and will always be there for me no matter what. I never thought that my relationships with my family were any different than other peoples. But I have realized how blessed and grateful I am to have the family I do. I always tell people I don’t consider myself a “single mom,” because I have so much support and help from my family with Mazen (I am not going to lie, it wasn’t always like that or at least I didn’t feel like it was but we will get into that at a later date). I am so close to my sisters. They are my best friends. They probably know me better than anybody ever could. Don’t get me wrong we fight (not physically because we are too pretty for that shit). We scream, and yell and cuss each other out on the front lawn at my Dad’s house. We throw shit at eachother. We talk shit constantly, but we are there for eachother. We help eachother grow we support eachother. We are there when we need each other. Plus I hate fighting, so as soon as I am done yelling I am already done and I am like okay stop being an asshole can we talk this out. It works haha, but I also have been working on my patience. I hope they can back me up and say I have gotten much better. I am workin on it dude! I have my blood family that I didn’t choose, but on God I wouldn’t change it for the world, but I also have my chosen family. I have maybe a handful of people that I consider part of my inner circle my family. It is the people that reach out to you, that check on you during times like these. I know we all react and go through things in our own ways, but there is something special about a person that will check on you through their own drama in their life. They are special keep those ones close.

Lets see, hmmm what else. I think the most important lesson Covid has taught me is to slow the fuck down and be grateful. Live in the present moment. Enjoy the little things, enjoy every moment, be present, take my time, do what makes you happy, follow your fucking dreams!!!!! If you are sad, you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, the only way to be happy is to live in the present. One of my co workers told me “It’s so much harder to be positive than negative.” That shit stuck with me, thanks Ryan. But it is so true. Next time that Karen in your office walks by and says good morning with a smile on her face, instead of dismissingly helloing her with your eyes glues to your computer screen (I am so guilty if this it would drive me fucking crazy like, why the fuck are you happy right now?) how about you give her your present attention just like she gives you. Two seconds you can spare two seconds of eye contact with a warm smiled hello. Try it, it bet you will feel better. I try to notice the beauty in everything around me, the little things. The gorgeous colorful weeds that grow, as I am walking, the little butterfly fluttering by, the sounds of the birds chirping, or the smell of rain. It is all of those little things that help bring me back to the present moment. Here let me help you. Take a moment take a deep breath count to four, hold it for a count of four, and exhale for a count of eight. Now repeat two more times. Okay are you here? Are you present with me? Now think of three things that you are grateful for. Alright, I will start. I am so grateful for my fingers and the ability to type out this blog (even though this is the second GD time). You know what I am grateful that my first blog deleted, I have a moment to reflect a little deeper and get so much more out in this redo, also to tag onto that grateful that now I know I can CTRL Z that shit and it will come back. Most importantly I am grateful for YOU. You took that time out of your busy ass day and are here in this present moment with me. That is fucking beautiful. You are fucking beautiful. Okay back to it, we need to slow the fuck down. There really is no reason to stress or rush anything. It is what it is, what will happen will happen, and the world keeps motha fucking spinning. I feel so much more in control when I can stop and breathe and take my time. So just chill and enjoy this beautiful gift we have the present.

Oh and lets not forget Covid has helped me differentiate between an anxiety attack and a panic attack, I have experienced and identified both during this whole ordeal. I have always struggled with anxiety; a lot of my childhood memories seem to all be surrounded by anxiety. I just don’t think I ever knew what it was. I just thought it was nerves or being shy, but it’s not its fucking anxiety. I have been able to identify it and look back at past times in my life where I have experienced anxiety attacks. Anxiety to me is physical. I can feel it in my stomach, I get nauseous, I can’t breathe and I just cry uncontrollably. I am so happy that I started my sobriety before Covid started, otherwise I would be fucked. Seriously! I can now understand that I used alcohol to mask my anxiety, I used it so I didn’t have to feel. But now I feel everything, every emotion you can imagine and I love it. I feel so liberated. I am so proud and so happy I am able to look internally and work though my traumas and demons level headed. It’s a fucking blessing. Thank you Covid-19, thank you for helping me grow, for finding myself and making me realize that I am fucking strong. People would always tell me I was strong, but I never felt it or could see what they saw, now I fucking feel strong! I know I am strong.

So a couple of things that I have done to help keep my sanity during this whole pandemic; yoga, meditation, reading, walking, breathing, learning, blogging, communicating, writing, reflecting. This has all helped me grow and evolve and I am not going to stop. Have you developed good or bad habits during this time? Is there anything that you want to change or improve? Well fucking change it, start right now. All we have is the present. The hardest part is the start.

Well I think I got most of what I originally typed all out. I just want to say that I am so proud of how far I have come, but I am never going to stop growing, evolving, and/or changing. This is just that start of my journey, and it’s the start of yours too. Are you ready for the fucking ride of your life?


Thank you for listening,

<3 Mariam

Peace, Love, and Gratitude



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